All I Have Is Now

Dear FOX television,

Why do you keep breaking my heart because your execs are retarded?
I hate you.

No love at all,
Caitlyn

All hail the powers of supply and demand, for without them, I wouldnt have earned $400 this past weekend. Two paid shoots earning $200 each... that I honestly don't think I deserve. But I'm not complaining!
Seriously though. This guy, I would have worked with for free. Underwater shooting is pretty exhausting work, but it's almost just as exhausting for him, and he creates amazing, incredible images. But he pays $100/hr standard, because of the difficulty of getting a good shot out of it, he wants to ensure compensation for time (of course, in his words, only to who he considers 'top models' ... teehee ^_^)
And then the other guy I worked with this weekend was basically the easiest money I've ever made. It was a 3-hour shoot, which I assumed meant it would be a lot of work and creativity, but the time was sucked up by the fact that, because he uses film, he made sure to set each shot up perfectly, adjusting and checking the lights and doing tests and stuff every shot. I didn't even really have to do much, because he's the kind of photographer who sets each pose up exactly instead of having me do my thing. And then, half the time, he just told me to "lay down like you're falling asleep" while he shot bodyscapes. Laying there for 15 minutes at a time, I almost DID fall asleep. So basically I laid around for 3 hours and got paid $200 for it.
I feel like I'm cheating or something, or doing something detestable, even when I strongly disagree with nudity taboos and feel entirely comfortable doing what I do. I mean, I'm moderately attractive, not with an amazing body or anything, have a certain level of kinesthetic intelligence, and I'm willing to get naked on camera... that isn't really worth $200 is it? Is there really such a shortage of girls with those qualities that it makes us worth that much? Or are we all simply part of a large oligopoly that keeps the price that way collectively?
Well, like I say, I'm not complaining. All I have to do now is decide whether to save up all that money or use some to get snakebites (lip piercings, one on each side of the lower lip). I really really really want snakebites.


Anyway, the last few weeks have been pretty busy with school and shoots and stuff. Marc and I were going through a tough spot in our relationship too, even to the point that I was sure we were going to break up. But we got through it together, and it made me feel even stronger about us.

Also, I've been mentally making an outline (which I should probably actually write down) of an essay entitled "The Psychology of Daemons," which would basically be looking at adolescent development and personality psychology theories through the lens of Pullman's concept of daemons. I might put it in here in another entry, if I ever actually write it.

I'm home in Oxnard for family birthday celebrations.

I adore my family, theyre some of the best people I could ask to have raised me to who I am now. But the more time I spend with them, the more I find myself realizing how much theyre your typical suburban liberal-but-still-terribly-closed-minded people. I always find myself wanting to correct them when they start talking about 'how can those republicans just keep blatantly lying' or 'those crazy mormons' or 'theyres too much sex in this show.' In those last two, I'm specifically referring to this show we watched tonight that was on HBO called "Big Love" which is about a polygamous mormon family and their various life problems. At one point my mom was explaining to us how, in traditional mormon belief, after a man dies he gets his own planet and becomes the God of that planet, where he gets to take his wives and children to populate it. An explanation which was, of course, followed by various comments as to how crazy those Mormon beliefs are. To which my response was "Well, that's not any crazier a belief than other religions. Youre just not used to this story." And they sort of grumblingly half-agreed, but I know the only reason it was brought up in the first place was our UU Used-To-Be-Hippie Look-At-The-Silly-God-People attitude. Which, I'll admit, I have to some extent, but... well, my point is, I don't want to be closed into that type of prejudice, and my parents are. They don't really reach out of their little sheltered box much.
And, well, if that's the worst complaint I have about my parents, I have some damn good parents.

Birthday was lovely. The Merrills came over, my parents served me wine and ordered take-out from my favorite Thai restauraunt and OHDEARGODIM21.
This means I'm supposed to be All Grown Up now, right?
Excuse me while I curl up in a ball and Hide from Life.

Edit: Oh!! How did I forget to mention?? Since I've been trying to get back into piano, my parents' birthday gift to me is this FANTASTIC high-quality keyboard, full-size with weighted keys and amazing sound quality and MIDI output and everything. Ohmygoodness I'm so happy with it. Now, I just need to make sure I practice with it a lot when I get back to Santa Cruz. Marc and I should just plan Music Time when he can work on his guitar or drums and I can do piano. :)

Marc and I think that all the crud that's been building up in the pool (because they wont fix the goddam pump) is what made us both kind of sickly and feverish the last couple days. We're rather hesitant to return to the pool at all until they get that fixed.

Last day of summer classes tomorrow, and then I head home for the weekend for birthday celebrations with the family. Should be fun :)

I've been neurosing with worry lately about friends with various horrible life issues, that I can't really do anything to help with. But worrying does no good either. Blegh.

Margaritas at midnight last night. Birthday sex. The Red tonight with Marc, delicious burgers and cocktails. Baronjager (so Delicious) and jager bombs once at home, watching the show Starved. Wonderfully tipsy. Good birthday, albeit low-key. I like it that way.

So, I've been writing all about how awesome Japan is, and it mostly is, but I do really need to vent about a few things.

Most prevalently: I miss Marc. I miss being able to talk to him late in the night (which I always want to do about my Japan adventures). I miss cuddling him and having his amazing comfort... but I'll refrain from going all sappy on you (again).

Also often at the forefront of my mind: I WANT TO KICK PAUL CAMPO IN THE FUCKING BALLS. REPEATEDLY. (with a sexy-lady robot leg)Ugh. Okay, I actually am kind of annoyed at a good chunk of people on this trip for different reasons, which I'll go into later, but this guy most prominently. He's such a fucking asshole, and always really disrespectful and with this "America Fuck Yeah, yippy kie yay motherfuckers" attitude. For example, tonight, we went to the Henshin Tigers baseball game, who were playing against a team called the Dragons. At one point he started heckling the other team's fans and encouraging others to do the same, saying things like "Go Home Dragons" and stuff like that... which wasn't so bad in itself, it's a game after all, but then one of the tutors went to him and said, in their polite Japanese way, that they really shouldnt do that because it's very bad manners. Paul's response was, and I quote: "Baseball is a fucking American game, we can do whatever we want." GARPHASSATHL. And he's like that about EVERYTHING, like during the quarantine he was always being super disrespectful about how it was stupid and encouraging people to sneak out to bars and stuff all the time (again at one point basically using the 'were Americans and dont have to follow your rules' argument)... and I agree that it was pretty dumb and frustrating, but we're in another country as guests, representing American college kids, and should respect their customs and rules at least to some extent. He also has a bunch of other annoying attitudes, like it always seems like he thinks his opinion is the only valid one, or just proclaims his opinion so vehemently that others are afraid to say anything against it. Also, he's a total alcoholic and all he ever wants to do is go out to drink. I don't think he has once voluntarily gone to a shrine or any other cultural spot; whenever he goes out in our free time, it is only to bars and clubs.
A few of the other guys are a lot like this, but are just a bit more toned down so theyre easier to tolerate. Some of the girls are just plain shallow too, and only ever want to go out shopping or drinking. I think a good third of the students here only ever want to go shopping or drinking. Which are things you could just as easily do in America. And, well, I like to do those things too, but for god's sake do SOMETHING else at some point... we're in Japan to learn about the culture, after all.
So yeah, I'm a little disappointed in the crowd I ended up with. There are a few awesome people here though who aren't like that, including one girl (Zoe) who goes to UCSC who I've been hanging out a lot with, so its cool. But, bleh.

Rather frustrating: This heat is fucking killing me. We all basically bathe in our own sweat everyday walking to class. And the class is pretty pointless in general anyway, now that we've finished the readings, we're really not learning anything.

A minor detail: You cannot hear anything from the outside of our dorm room doors when someone is talking from the inside. So, if someone knocks on the outside of the door, the person knocking will not hear any difference between "Come in" and "Hold on a sec." This just resulted in someone almost walking in on me while changing. Which isnt so bad but... irritating.

I am currently internally giggling at the long and rather antagonistic-sounding conversation my roommate is having with her boyfriend. It seems he's arguing with her about why she doesnt call him more, being angry at her for going out to get drunk and not believing her when she says she hasnt done anything with other guys. And she seems to be demanding that he plan an awesome date to take her out when she gets back. I'm so glad I'm not in that kind of relationship, and I dont ever intend to be (again?)... if you find me getting to that point with someone please get me out.

Being out of captivity has been awesome.
On Saturday we went on a hike up Mt Kurama to the onsen... Sensei Fujimoto did NOT warn us about how hard that hike was gonna be >_<. It must have been 3-4 miles, mostly up really steep paths, all in the Japan heat. I mean, I've done worse (Wilderness Orientation freshman year = 5 miles uphill with 50lbs on my back the first day) but none of us had any idea it was gonna be like that. But, the amazing thing was that our sensei is 75 years old, and did that whole hike easily without complaining a jot. That man is a man of steel, I swear. Anyways, once we got up to the top to the onsen, it was awesome, so relaxing, and a cool new experience. It's basically a big naked (gender-separated) hot tub on top of a mountain. It felt especially amazing after that long hike to relax and get clean in the hot water. By the way: it's so alien to me to be around so many people who are so uncomfortable about nudity. I don't think there was one person in the group who didnt make a comment about how weirded out they were by the whole naked-requirement part of the onsen trip. Obviously I was like 'woohoo naked time' but everyone else seemed really hesitant, even though we already all shower in one big communal shower. Once we all got there they all seemed ok with it, except for this one girl who still always wears her bathing suit in the shower, and insisted on covering herself with a towel every possible moment not in the water... she's shy, but super sweet so it makes up for it :P.
After the Onsen, we came home and rested a bit before deciding to all go out clubbing. It was totally fun and not at all expensive ($10 cover including a free drink, which is the only drink I had, other than the beer I had bought myself earlier) but it was also really crowded and hot and I got really tired pretty quickly. It was ok though, two of the new tutors (Yuki and Likku, totally sweet girls) noticed me getting tired and took me outside to get some water and sit down. And then just while sitting on the curb a bunch of random guys kept coming up and talking to us, including a cute Irish guy named Connor :P. I ended up getting home at around 3:30 and totally just passed out on my bed. It had been an exhausting day.

Then, on Sunday: Zoe, Rosie, Crystal, Amy, Taka (one of the tutors) and I went to the Inari shrine, where I bought a few charms, prayed at the temple, and got my fortune, which basically said Ill have the most awesome luck ever: good marriage, good career, good health, etc. I was very pleased at this news :P. I was pretty much the only one who got a good fortune, too >_<. Apparently, if it's a bad fortune, youre supposed to tie it up on a string in the temple to ward the bad luck away, and only take it home if it is a good fortune.
After the shrine, me and Zoe decided to go to Osaka while the others went home. This was the first time we'd had to navigate the train and subway system ourselves without sensei or a tutor to help us, and I think we did an awesome job of it ^_^. We ended up going to the Dotonburi area, which is supposed to be like nightlife central of Osaka. It was super cool, we took lots of pictures, got stickypics (those sticker pictures you get at picture booths with cute backgrounds that you decorate and stuff) at the arcade, and then ate at this restaurant that was way nicer than we realized and so we felt really out of place :P. We also saw an incredible amount of engrishy shirts at the shops, and a restaurant called Sex Machine (we would have eaten there but it didn't look like there was anything vegetarian for Zoe). Overall it was an awesome day.

Today, went to class and had a guest lecture from a Japanese professor who not only had a thick accent with broken English, but also had throat cancer, so he had to use a mic and his voice was hard to understand anyway... plus he liked to go off on really unrelated tangents from the topic. Needless to say I had a hard time understanding the lecture... but on top of that, Sensei Fujimoto, who is very hard of hearing and so always has one of the students take notes for him so he can understand whats going on, chose me to take notes for him, so I HAD to pay attention as best I could.
I do have to say, I am a bit disappointed in the actual class part of this trip. The readings were mostly really dry (although there were a few interesting bits), the professor doesnt really seem to be teaching us anything, and the class field trips are a lot more boring than I'd imagined they'd be. The field trip we went on today was to this ecology center, which I thought might be interesting, but was basically like an elementary school field trip to the ecology museum where they tell you to turn off the water when youre brushing your teeth and start a compost to reduce waste and make good soil.
I suppose having the class does make it a bit more of an enriching trip than if I were just here on vacation, but I often wish I could skip the class altogether because I don't feel like I'm getting a lot out of it. Oh well.

So, I've basically been on my feet all day for the last 4 days. I'm rather sore. I really need to rest tomorrow.

Oh! But my cough has gone away ^_^

Toodles

Finally, we get to get out of those dorms! Last night a bunch of us went out to celebrate by going to karaoke... Ive never come across a karaoke machine with such a huge selection of songs, including English songs... including Monty Fucking Python songs (wtf?) Of all the girls there, I was the only one who got up onstage and rocked out and sung (to blink182, lady gaga, queen, and motorhead, among others), all the other girls were like "teehee im gonna sit in the corner and sing quietly to this song, or try to pass the mic off to someone else for the song I picked" :P. It was fun, but I got over it kinda quickly as everyone started picking a bunch of R/B and hip-hop, mostly songs that I either dont know or despise. But it was still fun for a while, as I sipped my yummy convenience-store-hard-apple-cider. Ooh, and we got to see the tutors again! Once we got in the karaoke room, they all busted through the door to a chorus of screaming like they were rockstars or something... we were all so happy to see each other again... one of the tutors even started crying :P
Well, Im looking forward to getting back to Adventures in Japan... expect more updates from now on :)

last day of quarantine!!! we should make tomorrow amazing.

Crappy news.
Apparently, the two head tutors came down with the flu. Because they've been around a buch of American kidlins, several of whom are sick, they think it might be swine flu and theyve been put in the hospital. So, the party that was planned tonight has been cancelled (so i'm staying in AGAIN even though I'm feeling much better and was planning on going out tonight >_<) we all have to report our temperature and health status to the health insurance, and we're supposed to only go on limited outings until the tutors are diagnosed, which could take up to a week. This probably also means that our trip to the onsen on sunday will be cancelled, and who knows what else. Oh, and we're supposed to wear these annoying surgical masks all the time. Guh. This is causing a lot of tension within the group too, between the people who want to be politely obedient and follow the rules and those who are saying 'fuck this, its not the swine flu, let us go out.' My thoughts are a bit more in the latter camp, I'm just not being very vocal about it... plus since I actually am still a bit sick I should probably stay in anyway. Guh, I've been getting so bored staying in during the week to recover from sickness and have been looking forward to the weekend to get out and party, and now I don't know what's gonna happen. Sucks.

Can I just teleport home for a night and go snuggle in bed with Marc for a while?

So, I've spent a good portion of this week being sick, and yesterday I just stayed in and slept all day after class to try to get better. I have a really gross cough that just won't go away, and until yesterday was getting bad headaches too. A lot of the students here are getting really sick, it kinda sucks. This could definitely have been caused by all the drinking Sunday night... and on Tuesday night (the tutors really like to drink with us ^_^ that night we taught them how to play FlipCup) along with the general jetlag taking its toll on our immune systems, and having to walk half an hour in the heat every morning to class. So, I haven't really been anywhere besides campus, dorm, and out to get food since monday.
One of the more interesting things we've been learning about in class has to do with gender issues, and how there is a trend among women to not want to get married or have children, because it limits their freedom to persue work so much. Basically, if a woman gets married, she's entirely expected to have children and stay home with them while the husband works (and if he's working in a corporation it probably takes up most of his time and is thus often gone). Consequently, the birthrate in japan has gone down a lot in the last 20 years or so, so along with decreasing population, there has been a decrease in social reform due to the higher percentage of old people around. Also, the young women who are around like to emigrate to Europe or America where their freedoms are greater. So, (lack of equal treatment for women) + (lack of young women to promote social change) = (continued lack of equal treatment for women). It's pretty sucky.
Something that's really awesome, though, is how polite, kind, and trusting people are. Like, just the fact that all the little kids walk all the way to school on their own, without parents or buses, would be totally unheard of in America and thought to be way too dangerous. People also seem a lot less paranoid about stealing, and a lot more willing to go out of their way to help someone who needs it. The whole culture is just a lot nicer.
Let's see... the extent of my Japanese usage so far has basically been: "arigato gozaimasu" (thank you), "sume masen" (excuse me) "basurum wa doku des ka?" (where's the bathroom) and "itadakimas" (what you say before you start eating a meal) Heh, I wish I had studied harder with that Rosetta Stone program.

Well, I'm looking forward to this weekend, tonight we'll probably go out drinking, tomorrow I'm going to a castle in Osaka, and on sunday we're all hiking up to an Onsen - a hot spring/public bath. It should be pretty fun, I just hope I get over this cough today.

Thursday night before my plane left Friday morning I spent the night in San Fran at James's place. It was good seeing him again, and interesting, because he's the first important relationship I've been in who I've remained close to and been alone hanging out with. It's nice being able to still be good friends with him.
Well, here's a basic timeline of what happened over the course of my first Japan day:
Jun 26, 9:50 AM (US Time) - Arrive at airport. Thoughts: aaaaaah! whaddoido?
10:20 AM - Finally get through all security to my gate. Lost my SuDoku book somewhere along the way. Meet up with Crystal, Amy, Beth, Amber, and Zoe, from the program, who are all on the same flight as me :). They seem cool.
11:00 AM - Board the plane. I sit next to a surly-looking japanese man who drinks only beer and always orders the opposite of what I do at the meals. Probably just a coincidence, but it's funner to think he was doing it just to make sure he wasn't like the stupid american girl sitting next to him. I start reading House of Leaves, but sleep most of the way.
Jun 27, 3:30 PM (Japan Time) - LAND!! All us Summer Abroad people make sure to stick together at the airport, and it turns out there were a few more on the flight than I originally met.
4:45 PM - Customs, a few shuttles, and quite a bit of wandering around later, we arrive at the train station. There's a bit of a fiasco with all of us wrestling with the ticketing machines to make sure we get all the tickets we need. Crystal has a sneaking suspicion that the machines that speak in English are charging more than the Japanese ones. I become a bit neurotic and overwhelmed XP.
5:05 PM - Finally we get everything sorted out and board our train. I feel much more relaxed, and excitement starts to kick in.
5:10 - I'm thirsty. I buy canned green tea on the train. Kind of odd tasting.
7:15 PM - Finally arrive at Seta station, where the tutors are waiting for us. They greet us excitedly and are all super nice and polite. Excitement becomes bubbly.
7:30 PM - We arrive by taxi at the dorm and get everything settled in. Excitement is overflowing.
8:00 PM - The tutors suggest we go out to eat, we're all starving (hana hetta XP) My first japanese meal is fried chicken, lol. It's wayyy better than american fried chicken. And is served with mayo. And only cost 480 yen (about $5), and that's tax and tip included :).
9:30 PM - Arrive back at dorm, hang out
10:30 PM - Crashhhh.

Jun 28 - After going to the store to get some food (and check out some engrish advertisements) we all went into Kyoto to check out the city and some shrines. It was so rediculously hot and tiring walking around, sweat dripping out of every pore, but it was so worth it. The shrines were amazing and gorgeous, and walking around through the city and some open-air markets was awesome. We even saw some geishas :). We also went shopping, where I bought an awesome engrishy shirt. After we were done, one of the tutors invited us to come to the night club he works at, which has an all-you-can-drink flat rate. The club was filled mostly with older people and the band was cheesy, but it was SO much fun! I got rather drunk, had good food, danced a lot, and got really into the band. They were playing oldies American songs, which is so funny in itself to listen to japanese singers do them. We stayed out so late and didn't get back in to the dorm til around 1AM, which was bad because we had to get up early the next morning at 7AM for breakfast.

June 29 - First day of class! I ended up waking up at around 5:30AM, it must have been the jetlag (that would be 1:30 PM US time) so I just went and took a shower and then went back to bed until breakfast. Then we went up to the university and had our class, which was mostly introductions and organizing and getting to know each other. Then we got a bit of a tour of the campus, and came back to the dorm, where I've been hanging out and resting for the rest of the day. I'm really tired >_< and I'm planning on catching up on sleep tonight.


Link to all the pictures I've taken so far!

7 Days. Seven Days. Sevendayssevendayssevendayssevendays!!!!!
Till when you ask? Till I'm going to be mysteriously killed because I watched an art student's final project video with a ring in it? No, silly! Why, till I'll be in a plane flying to Japan, of course.
Have I mentioned that I'm ridiculously excited?

Well, I'm home for a week getting everything ready for said trip, such as getting some yen and $1500 worth of traveler's checks (^_^ yay for having parents who love me AND lots of money of my own tucked away)

Also: ( New Hair. Crappy Webcam. Silly Faces. )

Just saw Up with the parents. It was adorable. You should see it.

This whole summer is gonna be like an entire MLIG entry.

Not having an iPod, I'll hopefully have plenty airplane-time to read these on the way to/back from/ while in Japan:

1. Snow Crash
2. Average American Male
3. House of Leaves
4. Anything Vonnegut or Palahnuik
5. Sandman (Guh. I've been telling myself I'm going to read this for years)

I don't have any real problems in my life right now.
So many people I care about around me do.
It makes me feel like a bad person for not being able to truly empathize, only sympathize. It makes me want to cry.
Thus, I am making a problem out of not having problems.
I think that is the epitome of petty.

I got nipple piercings today!!!

AND ALSO yesterday I downloaded a pirated copy of The Sims 3, and even though I couldnt figure out how to get it to work at first, with Marc's amazing help and patience, I got it to work perfectly. :P

Very exciting ^_^

I'm also very excited about next week, because I only have one final on monday at 8AM, and then I'm just gonna spend the rest of the week hanging out with friends. Marc's only finals are on monday too, so we're gonna be able to spend a lot of un-busy time together.

I need to hang out with my Porter friends tonight, Marc's been taking up so much time that I haven't hung out with them at all lately. Not that I'm complaining.

The quarter's not even officially over and I'm ready to partay.

I am currently writing this entry to procrastinate from writing my paper on synaesthesia. Which is a cool topic, but it gets a little brain-fry-y when I have to write 8-10 pages and I'm only on page 5 and it's due at 10PM tomorrow.

Random went AMAZINGLY. I loved every minute of performing it, a bunch of my friends came to see it, and of course there were awesome after-parties where I got embarassingly stumbly and danced like a madwoman ^_^. However, it took up all of my evenings for two weeks, which made me a very stressed Caitlyn. Especially when, directly after Random finished, I began Hell Week for Rocky, which again took up all my evenings, all the while trying to find time to write aformentioned paper, study for classes, and spend time with friends. Oh yeah, and eat and sleep. Those too.
I was really stressed during Rocky hell week as well because, after having to miss rehearsals for two weeks straight, I felt rediculously unconfident in getting my part down as Magenta. However, with help from the awesome cast, by the end of the week I had everything down pat, I'm proud to say. And the show. was. AMAZING. We had so much energy, a great crowd, an amazing cast... it was basically perfect. During my stressed-out-time I was considering not ever trying out for cast again and just being a tranny, cuz the time wasn't worth it and I thought I wouldn't be able to get my part down, but now I basically want to be every single role, lol.
Then, of course, the Rocky cast party was cool, actually rather tame for a Rocky party, but I didn't care because I just spent most of it with Marc. And then we basically just spent the entire weekend together, despite the fact that both of us spent most of it working on papers. He is very enjoyable ^_^.
Oh, and I also started playing WiiFit at his place this weekend :P. It's kind of rediculous actually; it's good for encouraging you to exercise and the games and exercises are pretty fun, but its assessment of how healthy you are is totally bogus. It only uses BMI as a healthy-weight indicator (which totally ignores muscle mass, which makes it call Marc overweight when he obviously isn't) and then if it thinks you're overweight it makes your Mii all pudgy and sad looking. It also keeps telling me I'm Body-Builder status for the strength training exercises, probably just because I have relatively good balance and control, despite having little strength. Overall it's basically designed for your average lazy American who doesn't exercise but wants to think they're being healthy. But, it's fun. :P

So, that's my basic update. Now to finish my paper.
I need to update more often. There's always so much more I want to say but forget by the time I get down to writing an entry.

Blarglarglarglarglarglargle.

(that's the sound of me drowning in busyness)

(better update later)

(oh, and Marc and I are officially together, after much discussion)

It's dress/tech week for Random, which means I'll be spending my entire evenings sitting in the 2nd stage green room, weeee. Of course it also means I get to practice a lot of tango, which, as mentioned before, is super fun. This morning we had an extra optional rehearsal that hardly anyone showed up to and at which we didnt have our chairs to practice chair moves with, so a lot of the time my partner and I just used to teach me some tango moves and mess around dancing, it was really fun.

On a different note, Marc is one of the most emotionally intelligent people I've had the pleasure of getting to know. Not in that he has all of his own emotions under control and figured out, but he's so very in tune with his and others' emotions, and doesn't ever run away from them, or let me do so. I'm used to people running away from emotions. It's extremely refreshing.

I swear, I'm way too much like a stereotypical man sometimes. Motivated mainly by my genitalia.